Mind set of a Fatty

Today, I was thinking (which isn't abnormal for me), P90X has you record your physical abilities, your physical appearance, but what about your mentality? I am pretty sure mine will change as I start to feel better about myself, so I just want to have some written proof of my physical depression before hand.

I always joke around about my weight, partially because it makes me feel better to laugh about it, then to cry. So, it's not abnormal to hear me say something like "I sold my metabolism to the devil for a great personality" or "shoot, it takes a lot of these Oreos to maintain this figure" and even "I am in shape; round IS a shape!" Despite the smile on my face, I am hurting inside.

I constantly have dreams about me being a skinny person. When I am heavy in a dream, it's ALWAYS attributable to a fat suit that I can easily remove and because I am doing a psychological study on how people treat the obese.

In real life, I avoid mirrors. In my head, my image is that of a skinnier person then I physically am. So, when I look into mirrors or have my pictures taken, I am brought right back down to reality. This is actually a strange phenomena for a woman. Usually, men see themselves smaller then they really are and women see themselves as heavier. I am obese. I am depressed about it. I need help.

Food is very comforting to me. When I am stressed, happy, depressed, anxious, anything really, I eat. Depending on the emotion, the type of food changes. For example, when I am sad or depressed I usually get a sweet tooth (and will crave cakes and cookies), when I am stressed or anxious about a test, or studying, driving, etc I want salty, crunchy things (usually Goldfish crackers or Cheez-its). In addition to food, I drink Diet Pepsi every day. I usually only have 1 12oz can in the morning (roughly 10-11am). If I have homework, another in the evening. If I have a test, I drink them until the cows come home (in addition to eating my cheese crackers)!

I should send a HUGE thank you out to a friend of mine (Kyle Burns!) for being a man, stepping into the P90X challenge and becoming a coach at Beachbody.com (http://teambeachbody.com/coachkyleb). If it weren't for him, and his before and after pictures, I wouldn't even have the courage to attempt this (shoot, I've seen the infomercials!)

If it weren't for the P90X "Before pictures" practically required for the program, I think I would have actually packed a substantial lunch today. But nope, now I am wasting away with only the sounds of my stomach digesting itself talking to me. Seriously though, I refused to look at these pictures yesterday and actually asked "do the photos accurately portray how heavy I am, or should I try something different?" Well, this morning I looked at them (before packing my lunch), and they sure DO portray how fat I am. There is no denying that.

Seeing myself, in shorts and a bra, really makes me wonder how any of my loved ones could let me do this to myself? :( But that isn't the question I should be asking! Why did I let myself get this way? Why didn't I ever stop and help myself? Oh yeah, I did try ... I was on the Atkins diet for about 2 years (2002-2004) and I lost roughly 80 pounds! I gained it all back when I stopped the diet. I started it again not too long ago to get me to a weight that allows me to exercise comfortably. Kristi and I even got memberships to Powerhouse Gym! I maintained my size, gained a lot of muscle, and self-confidence! I felt GREAT about myself. Where did she go?

So, there you have it. A quick sneak peak into the mind set of a fatty.

P.S. I am too much of a chicken, and actually very embarrassed, to post my before pictures right now. Maybe on Day 30, when we all can see a difference!